Change Hurts, Staying Still is Worse: To All Those Afraid

Published: January 6, 2019

Revised:

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A year ago today, I was in a new city, with unfamiliar people, in uncomfortable situations. To be honest, I loved the unfamiliarity of it all. For so long I lived my life on the side of caution, of the comfort home, and knowing. But this day, this one moment in particular, I didn’t know. I didn’t know where I was going, who I was really with, and mostly, where my journey ended. While reflecting in the late hours of that night, I wrote:

***

The Date: January 6th, 2018

Time: 2:38 am

Place: The Oculus in New York, New York

My favorite song right now is called Five More Minutes, and the chorus says “If I had a pause button Lord knows I’d hit it and give myself five more minutes”. If I could, I would press pause and give myself a lifetime in these moments with these people.

Tonight’s dinner was so good, and the company was even better. I love these seniors, and pretty soon I’m going to be those seniors, and they will leave me. And maybe I’m just getting emotional and sappy over these seniors because my best guy friend, who happens to be a senior, told me last night that he loves me. And what makes it worse is that I realized that I love him too, and there’s nothing I can do to make time stop and give us five more minutes… as cheesy as that sounds.

There’s nothing any of us can do to make this moment, this trip, or this year slow down, nonetheless stop completely. We have to love and live every minute like it was our last, and that’s what I want to do this trip. I want to put down my phone, get away from the drama of high school, and just enjoy being with the girls and leaders, because God knows when I get back to Nashville my life is going to pick up speed, and not slow down for a long long time.

***

As I close my eyes now, and pause my furious hammering of keys, I can still feel the excitement and anticipation just as it did the night these words were first transcribed. Then, I could see my future as I wanted it: a new boyfriend (the guy I had wanted to be with for so long... who I wanted to be the one), a return home greeted by hoards of friends, and fulfillment knowing I was ready to come home after making the most of every moment.

Had January 6th, 2018 me known what January 6th, 2019 me now knows, I’m not sure I would have felt the same utter happiness my heart contained when these words were written.

But, this, I believe, is what I needed. Never what I wanted, but what January 6th, 2018 me needed. Change hurts, yes, but staying exactly where you are offers a pain which far exceeds any induced by the unknown.